~ Derek Taylor Shayne - Unplugged ~

2012-02-13T12:27:00.002-05:00

BREAKING EVEN ~ The Series
Episode One: "Big Boy Pants"

2012-01-30T11:30:00.000-05:00

COMING IN FEBRUARY!!!

2012-01-11T08:32:00.000-05:00

COMING SOON! THE WEB SERIES!
FATHER FORGIVE US, FOR WE KNOW NOT WHAT WE DO...

2011-12-12T13:03:00.000-05:00

HOLLYWOOD REMEMBERS 2
Can you handle the truth behind the LENNY SHECKLE STORY??

2011-11-29T12:15:00.002-05:00

JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!!

2011-10-24T08:07:00.000-04:00

THE MOVIE THE WORLD'S BEEN WAITING FOR!
(WHICH SHOULD GIVE YOU AN IDEA WHAT A STATE THE WORLD IS IN!)
ONE OF OUR BEST REVIEWED COMEDIES EVER! HAVE FUN!

2011-10-17T15:14:00.000-04:00

LONG HOPED LOST, A RARE CLIP OF COMIC GENIUS AT WORK...

2011-10-05T13:32:00.002-04:00

2011-10-03T09:48:00.002-04:00

2011-09-15T17:54:00.000-04:00

COMING SOON!
(SO YOU MIGHT WANNA START RUNNING NOW!)

2011-08-29T08:03:00.000-04:00

DOG-GONE WITH THE WIND!

2011-08-25T17:57:00.000-04:00

WE'VE ARRIVED!
And thanks a million to you all!
Derek, Scott and Ryan

2011-08-22T12:52:00.000-04:00

TIME OUT FOR LAUGHS with
the DYSON SHOW!!

2011-08-15T17:00:00.000-04:00

A YEAR HAS NOT LESSENED THE LAUGHS!

2011-07-23T12:55:00.000-04:00

Never Understood Why This One Flopped...

2011-07-19T13:44:00.002-04:00

Just Another Day Atop The Corporate Ladder...

2011-07-13T08:13:00.000-04:00

For The First Time on You Tube
...AND, JUST AS FUNNY AS I REMEMBERED

2011-07-08T08:00:00.000-04:00

For The First Time On YOU TUBE

...AND FUNNIER THAN I REMEMBERED.

2011-06-16T11:17:00.000-04:00

RETURN WITH US NOW TO THOSE THRILLING
DAYS OF YESTERYEAR!

2011-06-10T09:06:00.000-04:00

YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR CAREER IS IN THE TOILET WHEN...

2011-06-09T15:44:00.000-04:00

DESI BIZARRE TRIES TO GET IT RIGHT...

2011-06-08T17:40:00.000-04:00

Look-a The Way The Waves, They Bounce-a Right Back!!

2011-06-07T07:48:00.000-04:00

From John "Jay" Brennan:
The Touching Saga of The Lonely Little Bear

2011-06-06T08:48:00.000-04:00

ALL THIS WEEK:
A Salute to the Weird, Weird World of
JOHN "JAY" BRENNAN!!

SEEING MAY STILL NOT BE BELIEVING!

2011-05-23T11:13:00.000-04:00

The DYSON SHOW!!
Or - Maybe, but you oughta see me in 3-D and I-Max!

2011-05-08T15:10:00.000-04:00

WORLD PREMIERE!
Derek Taylor Shayne is "BREAKING EVEN"

2011-05-06T07:53:00.000-04:00

THIS SUNDAY, MAY 8th, BE HERE FOR OUR PERSONAL BEST...

2011-04-29T15:25:00.000-04:00

IT'S A CURSE...

2011-04-06T18:05:00.000-04:00

COMING THIS MAY...

2011-03-28T07:58:00.000-04:00

COMING THIS MAY -
Go out and try your luck,
You may be Donald Duck.
HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD!

2011-03-09T08:11:00.000-05:00

MAMA, DON'T TAKE MY KODACHROME AWAY...

Today's generation assumes that all old movies were in black and white. Not true, kiddies. Actually, many big budget silent pictures like BEN-HUR in 1925, had Technicolor sequences (and nudity, but that's another story for another time - and a pretty good story, at that).
It wasn't that color film didn't exist, rather that it was SOOO expensive!
Take a look here, at some experimental footage dating back to 1922.

2011-03-07T09:36:00.000-05:00

NEITHER RAIN NOR SNOW NOR CRITICS WRATH
WILL STAY THE DTS COMEDY MACHINE FROM MAKING ITS APPOINTED ROUNDS!

2011-03-02T17:48:00.000-05:00

ON THE ROAD AGAIN:
The Life I Love Is Making Movies With My Friends...

2011-02-20T13:27:00.000-05:00

UNSEEN FOR DECADES! FROM THE BOWELS OF THE VAULT OF LOST FILMS!
(AND, YOU KNOW THAT CAN'T BE GOOD!)

2011-02-18T08:12:00.000-05:00

THIS SUNDAY, DISCOVER WHY LOST FILM
SHOULD SOMETIMES STAY THAT WAY...

2011-02-04T09:02:00.000-05:00

AND THANK GOD, HE'S WEIRD...

2011-01-31T10:52:00.000-05:00

2011-01-25T09:06:00.000-05:00

FOR THE FIRST TIME UNCUT ON YOU TUBE!

2011-01-23T08:53:00.000-05:00

ANOTHER BLAST FROM THE PAST
FOR THE FIRST TIME ON YOU TUBE!
YOU WILL LAUGH!

2011-01-19T12:47:00.002-05:00

2011-01-13T16:04:00.000-05:00

A BLAST FROM THE PAST
for the first time on YOU TUBE

2011-01-03T12:05:00.000-05:00

CAN
YOU
TELL
WE'RE
BACK?

Yes, we're back and I guess it's time again to be talking about New Years.
Seems like only - twelve months ago, we were talking about New Years.
And, I'll bet twelve months from now, we'll be talking about New Years, again. Anyone sense a pattern developing here?

Twelve months ago, when we were talking about New Years, I mentioned how the best way to keep those pesky resolutions, is to not make any.
I've been standing by that comment for a long time now, and am tired. Please jot it down for future reference, so I can sit by it for awhile. My feet aren't what they used to be.
But, don't you have enough trouble in your life, without adding those things to the mix? And, you never keep 'em anyway, so the entire thing is pointless to begin with.

I did tell the Boyz, that next year maybe I'd stop posting so many nude photos on here. But then, I'd have to write something that held people's attention, and frankly that's carrying blog writing a little too far.

You see, the way this blogpile has always worked is, I post some hot naked guy or gal at the top of the page, then write a whole load of meaningless shit underneath.
Oh, people think they're reading something, after all, there are all those words - but as they scroll the page, their eyes keep wandering to the picture at the top, thus losing all concentration on what they're supposedly reading.

This has been a most successful practice for almost four years.
In fact, let's test it out, right now...
Hello? You still there? Uh huh.
Right now, instead of seeing this sentence on the page, your mind is saying, "Clean Up Your Act".

So, what will 2011 be?
Simple.
2010 with an eleven.
That's all you need to know...

That, and CLEAN UP YOUR ACT!

2010-12-23T17:49:00.000-05:00

2010-12-19T08:04:00.000-05:00

AND MORE SNOW!

2010-12-18T12:00:00.002-05:00

2010-12-11T11:31:00.000-05:00

2010-12-04T12:22:00.000-05:00

THANKS, EVERYONE!
FOR MAKING SPITBALLIN' 3 OUR MOST
SUCCESSFUL FILM OF THE YEAR!
- DEREK, RYAN and SCOTT

2010-12-02T08:59:00.001-05:00

SLICK
CRAP
MADE
EASY

With all the busy things going on in my life (oh gurl, you just don't know!), the fact that this November 8th was the fourth anniversary of this blogpile slipped right on by me.

Truth be known, the whole blogpile's been slipping right on by me lately, along with the hits. No, the old gray blogpile ain't what she used to be, that's for sure.
There was a time we averaged a thousand hits a month. Right now it's down to 4-500.
Yes, the handwriting's on the wall, and here I am caught without something to scrub it off before the parents get home.

Actually four solid years of successfully posting nothing by slick crap, is quite an accomplishment. And, the fact that we continue to attract some of the biggest advertisers, probably says more about the advertisers than anything else.
They must see something on here that keeps them buying space. Or, has it just become a bad habit, like picking your toenails?

I don't think we've ever been really controversial, here.
Yeah, showed a lot of skin at times, and that never hurts hits. Naked sells. We've had our share of naked guys...gals...dogs...

But it's a real trip when you scroll back through the years and see what a whirldwind ride this place really was. Overall, I'm rather proud of my slick crap. For the most part, it was very entertaining...for slick...crap.

But, like anything media-oriented, it increasingly becomes a matter of what do to, you haven't already done before. A statement that is still true, even though the moment I typed it, someone over my shoulder said if that were the case, I'd never make another film.

But, four years and 780 posts is something to be reckoned with, and everytime I visit here it seems like coming home. Which should give you an idea of what a lousy homelife, I've had.
It was suggested that maybe I start telling stories about my youth, and the crazy escapades of me and my friends. But by the time I got through changing the names to protect the innocent, the thing wouldn't even play on DRAGNET.

No, slick crap it has been all these years, and slick crap it shall remain.
Until the hits drop to one, and we're sponsored by Uncle Roy's Raccoon Repellant.

Actually, I could use some of that stuff... Wonder if they give discounts in exchange for slick crap?

2010-11-29T09:01:00.000-05:00

A WINNER IN SO MANY WAYS...

2010-11-23T08:02:00.000-05:00

WORLD PREMIERE TOMORROW!
"This time, your ass saves you..."
You go, RH!!!

2010-11-21T11:11:00.000-05:00

WORLD PREMIERE!
Don't think... Just enjoy!

2010-11-19T08:35:00.000-05:00

ALL AROUND THE WORLD AND UP YOUR BLOCK!
NOVEMBER 21st!

2010-11-17T08:50:00.000-05:00

Thanks very, very much to ole pal, Tammy Cincotti for sending us this from her personal photo album.
It's stunning, electric, and captures the real guy. The memories it invokes have slapped a smile on my face that I can't put into words.
You're a swell kid, TC, and I just had to share.
Thank you...

2010-11-16T13:30:00.000-05:00

NO MATTER WHAT THE TRAILER SAYS, THE PREMIERE DATE IS NOT THE 12th, BUT THE 21st!
Of course, if you're dyslexic, you're already totally up to speed!

2010-11-16T13:21:00.002-05:00

WHY
ARE THESE
PEOPLE
LAUGHING?

Well, it's been awhile since I actually put keyboard to finger and wrote something here...
Not that anyone seems to notice, judging by the hits. The visits this blogpile gets continues to amaze me, but I'm not so amazed that I can't say thank you.

Of course, when we're making a picture it almost always takes precedence over what occurs here. And picture making gets more difficult with every one. There was a day I'd throw anything up on the screen (usually accompanied by the audience throwing everything up in the aisle), but recently we've been getting some serious attention from movie critics and the legit film crowd. Nice attention, too. Flattering attention. Don't blame me for being a little more discombobulated than usual - I ain't used to good reviews!
One person who writes for a film magazine said, "Derek Taylor Shayne is the last bastion of classic slapstick comedy around today."
Well, of course I was flattered. That is after I re-read it with my glasses on. First time around I thought he said, "bastard".
My crew kindly said, either way worked with them.

So, gone are the happy days of making up a film as you go along, tossing it up on You Tube and looking around for the next project. We set a bar with the public, and now are expected not only to uphold that level of quality, but to surpass it.

This is partly what led to the delay in the release of our latest, SPITBALLIN' 3.
When it was finished, I knew it was good. But something in the back of my mind kept saying, "Yes, but it could be better!"
Damn that something. I was happier before I started hearing from you.

But that something had a point. While S-3 was good, it was missing a key element needed to kick it right over the top. I postponed the premiere date while I cogitated - with a little rumination tossed in for good measure.
The Boys shook their heads.
"It's a SPITBALLIN' picture!" Scotty said. "Look at the rest of 'em!"
I quickly pointed out, that I was probably the only one who had.

"It's that damn ALL THIS AND NOTHING TOO, syndrome again!" Ryan added. "Are you gonna spend the rest of your life trying to top that turkey?"
In moments like this, it is the responsibility of the senior member of the troupe to impart his wisdom on the less experienced...

"Eh, SHADDUP!" I wisely replied.

Incidentally, the answer to his question was "yes." Even though you may not succeed in topping your last effort, you're not going anywhere if you don't try.

As it turned out, the mechanics of fixing the film were relatively simple. They always are, it's just that you start thinking so hard about the problem, that you can't think at all.
We re-shot some scenes, added one extra and cut the existing ones back to the bone. Ouila! Instant classic.

So, the world waits another week, and so what that we go up against HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS on the same weekend?
Ultimately the delay has proved worth it, and if not exactly a classic for the ages, SPITBALLIN' 3 will be something we can all be proud of.

I think you'll laugh a lot.
Be here, November 21st, and tell me I'm wrong.

Until next time... I remain obediently yours -

2010-11-15T08:12:00.000-05:00

ONE MILLION HITS IN TWO DAYS...
I'm the one who's shedding a tear.

But yes, Ryan - it's great. Congrats, babe!

2010-11-12T11:57:00.000-05:00

Granted this
photo has nothing
to do with the
movie, but I
needed your
attention...

2010-11-01T08:19:00.000-04:00

2010-10-25T08:38:00.002-04:00

2010-10-19T12:26:00.000-04:00

TEACH
YOUR
CHILDREN
WELL ...

Having raised a teen-aged boy to manhood, naturally many have asked - after meeting Ryan - how I accomplished this with such wonderful results.
I realize it is important to most parents to raise what they feel is a well-rounded child. A child who will eventually become a self-sufficient adult. A shining beacon in the community and a joy to all who know them.
Therefore, I've decided to share just a few of the ways to instill values of independence, and self-sufficiency in your child at a young age.

* GIVE YOUR CHILD RESPONSIBILITY!

It is never too early to teach your child responsibility. Whether it be the job of picking up the family welfare check, picking Lotto numbers, or convincingly telling your probation officer you aren't at home.
Too many parents do everything for their children, and this is a dangerous pattern to fall into if you want a well-rounded child.

Even a two year old can be put in charge of certain tasks. The mere act of being responsible for placing his or her liquor bottles in a designated area after a binge, or cleaning the semi-automatic, can teach your child to put thought into his or her actions.

* DO NOT DO WHAT THEY CAN DO!

If your four year old says, "Daddy,go get my rolling papers, they're on the table" should you?
No!
Unless a child is ill and really is feeling so poorly that they should be made to rest as much as possible, this is a situation where you as a parent should say, "If you want your rolling papers, they're right over there! And, stop using all the kitchen matches, that's what you've got the blow torch for!".
If you wait on your children hand and foot just because they are small, they will come to expect it.

* TEACH YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT CONSEQUENCES!

How many parents have you seen who threaten and threaten and never stick to the threats? Plenty. You may even be guilty yourself.
However, if you threaten and then once a few tears are shed, cave in, you are teaching your child that there are no consequences for their actions. Stick to your guns, they will be better off in the long run.
If they repeatedly do something they know is wrong and you threaten to beat the shit out of them when you get home from community service, then beat the shit of 'em when you get home!

Even if your neighbors threaten to call the cops, empty threats do nothing for the parent, or the child.

* MOST IMPORTANTLY, SET AN EXAMPLE!

The greatest tool your child has to learn self sufficiency, independence and responsibility is by example. You are the best teacher your child has.
This means that if you say you are going to do something you should try as hard as possible to live up to what you say.
This sometimes means robbing that liquor store when you are tired, selling those hot hubcaps when you don’t feel like it, and dealing those drugs behind the truck stop, when you’d rather be watching ONE LIFE TO LIVE.
If you show your children that people should live up to their promises, they will keep that lesson for life.

Yes, folks - just follow these few simple rules and I promise you an adult you can be proud of - wanted everywhere, fingerprints known in five states, and most importantly able to loan you that twenty until payday.

Anytime at all, folks - My pleasure...

2010-10-17T08:41:00.000-04:00

COMING THIS NOVEMBER!
IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO GET OUT OF TOWN...

2010-10-15T08:31:00.000-04:00

SOCIAL NETWORKING FOR DUMMIES

2010-10-12T09:34:00.000-04:00

COMING SOONER THAN YOU THINK!
(BUT YOU STILL GOT TIME TO GET OUT OF TOWN...)

2010-10-10T08:58:00.002-04:00

"SPITBALLIN' 3" MOVIE SCRIPT CONFERENCE...
DON'T ASK - DON'T TELL...

2010-10-07T16:04:00.001-04:00

STUNNING...
WHY AM I IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, AGAIN...?

2010-10-04T08:07:00.000-04:00

NO, NOTHING FOR MONDAY, EITHER!
Monotonous, ain't it?

ACTUALLY, OUR SLAVE-DRIVING DIRECTOR (PICTURED ABOVE IN ALL HIS GLORY) HAS DEMANDED WE COMPLETE ALL PRINCIPAL FILMING ON THE NEW MOVIE BY THE END OF THIS WEEK. AFTER THAT, HE PLANS TO MOVE ON TO ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL FILMING, PROVIDING WE CAN CLEAR IT WITH THE TEACHER'S UNION.
SO, I WON'T ARGUE. WOULD YOU, WITH SOMEONE WHO SHOWS UP LIKE THIS ON THE SET?
CASUAL FRIDAYS NEVER MET SCOTTY TAMURA... EVERY TIME HE YELLS "CUT", THE CREW REPLIES, "YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT!"

UNTIL NEXT TIME...THE NEXT ROUND OF PRATFALLS IS ON ME!

2010-10-01T07:59:00.000-04:00

NO, NOTHING FOR FRIDAY, EITHER!
WE'RE CURRENTLY FILMING THE FUNNIEST SCRIPT EVER WRITTEN, AS YOU CAN SEE!
SO, HANG TOUGH, AFTER THIS WEEKEND WE'LL HAVE MOST OF THE MOVIE IN THE CAN. WHICH NINE OUT OF TEN CRITICS HAVE ALREADY AGREED IS EXACTLY WHERE IT BELONGS!

- Derek, Ryan, Scott, Celine, and a cast of thousands!

Okay, well hundreds... Okay, a few dozen...

AWRIGHT, US AND A KID FROM NEXT DOOR!

2010-09-27T11:27:00.000-04:00

FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY!
AND THIS TIME, HE BROUGHT ALONG HIS OWN CREDITS!

CHECK OUT ALL OF JOE'S FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY BOOKS IN THE SIDEBAR ----------------->

2010-09-23T08:05:00.002-04:00

AND THE "BEST CREW" TALENT SEARCH CONTINUES!

SOME REALLY FUNNY KIDS, HERE!

2010-09-20T07:56:00.000-04:00

YOU'LL FIND THAT LIFE IS STILL WORTHWHILE -
IF YOU JUST SMILE!

...OR, MAYBE NOT.

2010-09-15T12:47:00.000-04:00

KEV JUMBA
Another bright and talented kid, that's just got it.

2010-09-13T08:13:00.001-04:00

WATCH
AND
LEARN

There's absolutely nothing to writing a movie script. If you've ever seen one of my films you can testify to this.
First, you need absolute quiet, as to give the creative juices a chance to flow. Unless you prefer your creative juices canned, in which case you'll also need a canopener.

STEP ONE: What do you envision your movie to be about?
Um, about 20 minutes.
Good start.

STEP TWO: What - oh, wait a minute, an email just arrived. Hmmm, so Cousin Sparky is expecting at last. Expecting what, it doesn't say, but knowing Cousin Sparky she'll most likely get it. She always does. The only time she got something she wasn't expecting was that STD.
Of course, none of us were expecting that.
Where was I - ?

Oh yes, STEP TWO: Well, we can skip that step, it isn't important anyway. Something about a plotline...

STEP THREE: Your cast. Make sure you write a part that's suitable for - Wait a minute, the anti-virus wants to run, and it always slows down the computer...

(meant to represent a long time passing)

Now, STEP - Wait a minute... What does it mean it quarantined an STD on this machine? Last time I give my password to Cousin Sparky!

STEP THREE AGAIN: Which actually means we're now at STEP SIX and can skip FOUR and FIVE altogether. Cool.

STEP SIX: Your running gag. This does NOT mean somebody jogging or such, but rather a joke that keeps popping up in the proceedings, like reoccurring Cousin Sparky lines. This is SO important, because it's the framework on which you hang the plotline you don't have. Too many of today's comics - Wait a minute, somebody wants me on Facebook...

My error, turns out nobody wants me on Facebook. Third time I've been de-friended this week.
I don't know what it is, I've been nothing but tolerant of all those asshole pricks who call me their friend. I've even been very careful to remember their birthdays, always posting "Happy Birthday, you Asshole Prick" on their walls.
People are just too damned touchy today.

Where was I - ? Oh yes, STEP SEVEN: Neatly type your script in New Times Roman bold, and print it out! This step is important, because chances are the director you'll be working with never went past third grade, and you want everything as legible as possible. Keeping this in mind, it is also advisable not to use any big words such as "action" or "cut".

See? I told you there was nothing to it! You're now ready to step before the cameras, and turn out another GONE WITH THE WIND.
Of course, I'm a professional who's been at this for a long time, so don't expect the same results right off the bat.

But with a little study, you should go a long way.
And, I wish you'd get started now.

Until next time,
Get moving, before Cousin Sparky shows up for your date tonight.

2010-09-11T12:20:00.000-04:00

2010-09-10T09:02:00.000-04:00

RYAN HIGA KICKS IT UP A NOTCH -
We were waiting for this...

2010-09-09T11:54:00.000-04:00

STEVE HAYES is not only a lot of fun to watch,
he really knows his stuff!

2010-09-08T08:06:00.000-04:00

58.9 MILLION DOLLARS -
At 84, some of us just still got it. You go, Jer.

2010-09-03T10:29:00.000-04:00

NO
BRAINER...

An aquaintence told me they could write a Derek Shayne comedy, and I said, fine - tell me about it.

The guy explained, "First you're just getting out of bed in the morning and you take a pratfall. And there's a dog watching, who makes a face. Then you go out and get in your car, but it wont start so you get out and take a pratfall, and there's this dog who keeps giving takes into the camera. You do a couple old vaudeville lines, and then fall down and we cut to the dog who does more camera takes, and drives off in your car. Amazed, you do another vaudeville joke, and then fall down."

I said, "You're hired."

2010-09-01T16:55:00.000-04:00

THE ONE AND ONLY JAMIE ROURKE!
Kick Ass!

2010-08-30T10:09:00.000-04:00

IT'S GOOD OLE MONDAY!

WHICH MEANS THE GOOD OLE -

CHECK OUT GOOD OLE JOE'S GOOD OLE FUNNY BOOKS FOR GOOD OLE SALE, IN THE GOOD OLE SIDEBAR!-------------->

2010-08-27T12:36:00.000-04:00

SUMMERTIME:
And, the livin' is easy...

BRING ON THE GLOBAL WARMING!
HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURS, AS MUCH AS WE'RE ENJOYING OURS!

2010-08-26T09:35:00.001-04:00

BEYOND SUPER! (8)

This is just fabulous, and a must-see for anyone who remembers our old Dud Films days. I only wish we had been so ambitious!
Sound track has been added by the film makers 25 years later.

2010-08-23T09:40:00.000-04:00

Pull The Shades,
And Lock Up Your
Daughters!

Monday Can Only
Mean One Thing!

2010-08-20T07:43:00.000-04:00

Well, Here
It Is, Friday
Again!

What an idiotic comment that is!
Of course, it's Friday again. It will always be Friday, again!
Even after you and I are long dead and buried, it will be Friday again! Wonder if they have Friday's in heaven? It would be easy enough to tell in Catholic Heaven, I suppose, 'cause you could smell the fish frying over the harp music.

All this takes my thoughts back to a little farmhouse in New Mexico, and while my thoughts are away I'd like to share a few words:

1) weasel
2) pre-pubescent
3) succotash

Now, that we've got that out of the way, it's safe to proceed at your own risk. Keep your arms and legs inside your shirt and pants at all times, and the management is not interested in lost wallets and keys, unless the wallet is full of cash and the keys go to a Mercedes.

Of course, this last statement quite naturally got me thinking about my high school days.

We really had fun. Not like kids, today. But we had one goal back then, that today's youth doesn't have. We went to school to get an education. What's that you say? Impossible to believe?
Trust me, I was there.
An education in the old days really stood for something. In fact, it stood for plenty! Why do you realize without my formal schooling, that today I'd be a penniless, unsuccessful author, reduced to making slapstick films on the net that nobody watches? What's more I'd be giving all my best material away for free on Facebook.
Stay in school, children, even if it's not to get an education! You have no idea how much your parents love not having you around the house all day! (don't argue - they've told me)

I'll be the first to admit, I hated school, except for that fun part, which was not in the school's curriculum, no not even if you begged them! It's not that I thought I knew more than the people teaching - far from it. It was that I had no interest in what they were teaching, This usually worked out alright, as the teachers themselves had less interest in what they were teaching, than I did.
But, the classroom's the classroom, and you had to do something for eight hours besides trying to look up Beth Pooley's dress. (Just for the record, I actually did see up Beth Pooley's dress once, and all I can say is that whoever she's married to today, is a brave man!)

In high school I did enjoy Drivers Ed. Also, Drivers Sam, Harry, and when he was sober, Marco.
Looking back, those guys who rode with us at the wheel, through the actual neighborhood surrounding the school, were either totally fearless, drugged out of their heads or (as in Marco's case) drunk as a skunk.
I suppose what made it all work so seamlessly was, as sixties school kids, we were also totally fearless, drugged out of our heads, and drunk as skunks.
You have to start early. Good driving habits must last you a lifetime!

The wildest thing in Drivers Ed. was we were broken up into groups of four or five, and all of us, rode in that car with the instructor, all over the neighborhood! Cripes, you could practically feel the Allstate man pull his hands out from under you.
Of course, the piece de resistance, were the Highway Patrol films they'd show you in Drivers Ed. Horrible images of crashed and burning cars, body parts strewn all over the road and the somber message that if you studied real hard, passed your test and got your license, you too could end up like this!
Funny thing is, I ended up getting in a lot of car crashes in my lifetime, and never did end up with a crashed and burned car, or strewn all over the road in bits and pieces. I must have missed the part of how you did that, in the safety films. Lay ya eight to five, I was trying to see up Beth Pooley's dress when they showed that part.
Even so, you guys passed me, I got my license anyway, and you ain't getting it back now!

Ah yes, those were the happy days... May they never come again.

Well, I could go on reminiscing like this all day, but the old clock on the wall says... Well, it doesn't say anything, you gotta look at it to tell what time it is, but you get the point don't you?
If not, write me here and I'll explain it to you.
I realize you probably didn't benefit from my education, or the view I always made sure I had of Beth Pooley....

Until next time, as the customer in the thunderstorm said to his coke dealer -
"Keep your powder dry!"

2010-08-18T10:26:00.000-04:00

FUNNY MAN
ON FILM.
FUNNY BOOKS
IN SIDEBAR. -->
FUNNY,
AIN'T IT?

2010-08-17T08:07:00.000-04:00

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

A few days ago, the man who wrote our latest film, John Brennan, told me he was sorry he couldn't have worked the name of Japanese actress Akiko Wakabayashi into the film, because he would have loved to hear the DTS character say it.

Your wish is our command, Mr. B - And, I hope you're satisfied, you rascal you!

2010-08-16T08:36:00.000-04:00

One of my absolute favorites in the NOIR BARS series from writer pal, Lloyd Fonvielle. Starring Sarah Canner, and photographed and directed by Jae Song.

If you know film, it's "practically perfect in every way".

2010-08-14T10:53:00.000-04:00

the FUNNIEST COMMERCIAL WE'VE SEEN IN YEARS

2010-08-12T08:11:00.000-04:00

Funny man publishes funny books that can be found on AMAZON.Com and Lulu.com.
He'll make you laugh!

2010-08-11T07:57:00.003-04:00

Where were you Higa, when I moved to HD?
ryan higa

2010-08-10T08:42:00.000-04:00

2010-08-09T07:55:00.000-04:00

RECORDED LIVE AT FROBISHER'S MOVIE RENTAL AND VIDEO ARCADE
(BINGO - TUES. & THURS.)

2010-08-08T13:53:00.000-04:00

~ Inspired by the book covers of Edgar Rice Burrows.

2010-08-07T16:31:00.000-04:00

2010-08-05T08:22:00.000-04:00

"I REMEMBER
BACK IN THE
DAY..."

Or...

"EHHHH,
SHADDUP!"

Once I'd reached that, "certain age", I promised myself I'd never use that phrase.

But fact is, when you're getting a lot of water under the bridgework, you got a lot more memories running around in your hat rack. When every day circumstances arise, some of them are bound to be brought to mind.
So, what do you say?
"I remember when I was a kid..." Gotta watch that one, 'cause depending on the crowd you'll most likely get "Damn! What a memory you got!"
"A similar incident happened to me in Cooper City in 1962..." "Didn't they tear that place down, thirty years ago...?"
"Back when I was your age..." Defy you to get any farther from the groans that suddenly arise.

So, if you're smart, you'll just shake your head and shrug. Nobody wants to hear about "back in the day", "here in the day" anymore than you wanted to hear about "back in the day", back when it was really "back in the day".
If you had trouble with that last sentence, there's a translator at the top of this page.

Now in my case, on a film shoot, I've been lucky with the crew I got. Director Scott Tamura and cameraman Ryan Taylor are 24 and 23, respectively and actually like hearing stories about how we used to film movies, "back in the day". At least they pretend to, and if they don't, are better actors than they are directors or cameramen.

The catalyst that started all this "I remember back in the day" shit, was recalling some of my early productions on the set of our latest, HOLLYWOOD REMEMBERS. Seemed fitting to tell stories on the set of a film with that title. And, as anyone who works with me knows...just try and stop me, anyway. On a film shoot, my word is law and sometimes I'm almost as important a presence as Celine. Almost.

Today's generation's jaws drop at what we accomplished with almost nothing but our creativity.
And under the conditions by which we accomplished it.

For instance, all the films were made on 3 and 1/2 minute reels. There was no luxury of just turning on a camera and letting it run, doing re-take after re-take until you got it right. If you'd done that, by the time you got the take you wanted, the film would have probably run out - more than likely, 3 and 1/2 minutes earlier.
And once you did get that scene, you had to just hope and pray it came out alright. Instant playback was non-existent. No, you had to take the exposed film to the drug store, wait maybe three days and THEN you'd see if it was usable. Such was the hassle of it all, that many times when it wasn't all that great, but might pass if the audience squinted real hard, in it went anyway.
I got a lot of scenes like that on record to back up my claim.

Editing was done (and I'm not kidding here, children) with scotch tape that had perforated holes that fit over the film's sprocket holes.
I'll never forget when Ryan was transferring all the reels of old Dud Films to digital, him shouting, "You mean these things are taped together?!"
Yeah kid, and it didn't always hold, either.

> Mind boggling...

Sometimes the tape would shift over a sprocket hole, resulting in an ungodly clatter from the projector, accompanied by the picture jumping all over the screen.
This almost always occurred during a punchline or sight gag, you thought was hysterical.

There were no such things as fade-outs or fade-ins.
No, "automatic focus".
No optical wipes.
And, to top it all, the first camera I had, you wound up with a crank.
No lie - had a mainspring thingy and you cranked it up and it ran until it ran down. Later of course, battery powered cameras came along, but the life of those things usually made the crank job look like a better deal.
I categorically deny I started my car the same way.

The upshot to all this, is that we did accomplish almost all of those effects, with sheer creativity.
How, you ask? Well, that would require telling stories about "back in the day", and if you really want to know the answer, tune in next week...

(To Be Continued...)

2010-08-03T08:39:00.000-04:00

AUTHOR
JOE
DYSON

Funny man publishes funny books that can be found on AMAZON.Com and Lulu.com.
He'll make you laugh!

2010-08-01T11:32:00.000-04:00

2010-07-31T14:21:00.000-04:00

FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF
RIGHT HERE, TOMORROW!

2010-07-30T08:10:00.000-04:00

WORLD PREMIERE
SUNDAY, AUGUST 1st!
"Insanity is bullet-proof..."

2010-07-22T11:06:00.005-04:00

SO THE ECONOMY'S ON THE UPSWING, EH...?

No lie, gang - this actually showed up on a fashion runway, recently.

Now, if a Hefty Bag is truly the current rage in women's clothing, it a) proves the economy ain't exactly in recovery, but b) sure is gonna make it a helluva lot easier picking out something to wear next Saturday night!

Another plus, is that you can get this wardrobe off the shelf at any Home Depot, and there's scads of 'em to be torn off just one roll!
The twist ties make lovely ring accessories as well.

Of course, the down side is, if you happen to be leaving for your date on a trash pick-up day, you run the risk of being carted off to the county dump.

But ladies, really...if trends have led to wearing garbage bags, we've got a much better fashion idea.
And as you can see, it's hand washable...

2010-07-20T10:29:00.000-04:00

IMAGE IS EVERYTHING...